I Believe in You, Yogurt

Yogurt, what in the hell happened to you? It used to be so simple. Plain. Strawberry. Lemon. Blueberry. Maybe you would get crazy and be Mixed Berry. Now you have been soiled, and I do not just mean in the “flavor” sense, but I suppose that is as good a place as any to start. Back in the Good ‘Ol Yogurt days, as I like to call them, you could walk down that refrigerated dairy aisle and gaze upon the beautiful simplicity that was “yogurt”. Single fruit flavors, all equally glorious and steadfastly true to themselves. Yet, there was variety. Would you like fruit on the bottom of your yogurt? No problem. Would you like a small single serving size cup for a night on the town, or a large size tub for those intense family yogurt moments that we all know and love? Yoplait, Dannon, or Alta Dena? Back then it was yogurt bliss.

...Then came the shit storm.

Flash forward to the beginning of the “Dark Age” of yogurt. Think back to the first time your eyes gazed upon the sight of (insert gasp here) Chocolate yogurt. What…..the……fuck. It didn’t stop there. The madness continued. Mango Passion, Strawberry Banana, Maple Syrup (I shit you not), Key Lime Pie, Lemon Meringue Pie, Boston Cream Pie, so much damn pie flavored yogurt that happiness could only come through severing your own tongue with a butter knife, lest it become befouled by these appalling flavors. But it didn’t stop there either. Pina Colada!!? White Chocolate Raspberry!!?!? Mountain Blueberry? It’s like the yogurt industry threw up all of their disgustingly wretched abominations of ideas in one foul bowel upheaval. Oh how I wish that were the end. Enter: Children’s yogurt products (from Hell).

Okay, seriously, Trix yogurt? I wish it had never happened. Radioactive colors in flavor combinations that should have never passed mankind’s gentle lips. Obnoxiously decorated, offensive in every way, and one lawsuit away from being exposed as toxic, its reign of terror needs to come to an end. And Gogurt? Sweet Jesus. It’s yogurt…in a tube…in flavors like Watermelon Meltdown…and Cool Cotton Candy. Eww. Just, eww. Next time you see some unfortunate child about to squeeze that warm floppy yogurt log into their mouth just quickly consider how easily you could make a difference in their life. Run. Run and snatch that filth from their sticky little hands, parents and intense balling be damned. They may not thank you now, and they may not thank you later, or ever, but we all know you did the right thing.

My tirade on the gradual demise of yogurt will soon come to an end, but not before another issue is addressed. So regular fruit flavors were not enough and the industry’s answer was crap like Banana Creme Pie and S’mores. Breathe. Keep Breathing. Apparently the texture of yogurt was not suitable for mankind either, and thus they were born: the putrid empty shells of what good respectable yogurt once was. Yoplait calls them Whips or Thick & Creamy, or even Thick & Creamy: Chocolate Mousse Style. Well, I call them textural horrors, tactile monstrosities, and, well, shit. “Oh, and using a spoon for yogurt? No, no, no. That is too much work for me. I need something more, hmmmm, drinkable for when I am on the go. Drinkable yogurt beverages! Yeah!” NO!!!!! Bad American, Bad! The thickness of that dairy drink is simply outrageous and should be outlawed in 48 states (Anything goes in Texas and Alaska).

I love yogurt. I really do. I commend products like Horizon Organic, Buffalo Milk Yogurt, Greek Yogurt, and other variations. That being said, the mainstream yogurt industry has taken a horrible turn for the worse and is heading down a path of destruction, riddled with the corpses of respectable yogurt products of ages past. So I beg you yogurt, get a hold of your yogurt self. Revel in your beneficial bacteria content and simplicity. Cast off your shackles of flavor prostitution and texture buffoonery. I believe in you, yogurt. I always have and I always will. Each tear I cry is for you. Let them be spilt for happiness once more.