Dance, Dance, Resolution

Conducive question: Doesn't everyone enjoy dancing? Of course the expected answer is ‘yes’, but this is a question that only an ardent danceophile would ask. While seemingly innocent, this query is part of a tradition steeped in conflict and discord. The time has come for a resolution. Those of us who dislike dancing hold an unfortunate position amongst the minority. We are also essentially guaranteed numerous moments of extended anxiety, awkward attempts at persuasion, and instances of incredible consternation. Although I will maintain my customary tone of levity and buoyancy throughout the article, I hope this will not obscure my sincere feelings of frustration and dissatisfaction.


Prior to beginning the festivities, some items need to be discussed. We are a nation divided. This may seem obvious, and yet it is critical to the ensuing discussion, which is why I choose to bring it up at all. As human beings we have the freedom of thought, which consequently leads to differing opinions, arguments, and disagreements. Some of us enjoy arguing and become lawyers, or go on to secure ourselves a seat on The View. Others abhor arguments and become Swiss citizens. Still others continue to be indifferent and steadfastly hold their role of simply taking up valuable space. We the People have historically taken sides in events and discussions that have changed the course of existence, including but not exclusive to every American presidential election since 1789, slavery and the Civil War, and Civil Rights. Our opinions differ when it comes to our preference for smooth or nutty peanut butter, and we are also split as to what exactly our feelings are for the French (if, in fact, there are any feelings at all). We are also a nation divided on items of grave importance, such as which Indiana Jones movie or Star Wars movie is the best of the trilogy (No, the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and Episodes I through III do NOT count). The right for gay couples to marry, gun control, the Republican/Democrat divide, abortion, the death penalty, offshore drilling, and religion; all items of contention that contribute to the seemingly (or more realistically, inevitably) infinite divide.

So then, why bring up this idea of national division? Simple: Dancing, my friend. Over the past 18 years, I have accumulated a wealth of objective and subjective observation, firsthand experience, and a great deal of calculated experimentation on the subject. Although my years of extensive research and observation continue to this day, they have nevertheless allowed me to come to a reasonable conclusion: One’s tendency to prefer to dance, or one’s decision to consciously engage in the activity and simultaneously find it enjoyable, trumps all logic and rational thought. At this point your outrage, or lack thereof, should be indicative of where you stand in reference to this particular discussion. Let us analyze what I am saying a little more closely, for fear of you danceophiles tumbling into a fit of hip-twisting rage. When I say that the enjoyment of dancing supersedes logical thought and produces irrationality, by no means am I implying that these attributes are possessed by, or characteristic of, the individual. What I am saying is that moments of disagreement between danceophiles and their aptly named “no fun” friends overcome what may normally be a sensible discussion. Allow me to provide an example. Let us exhibit what I would consider a “typical” disagreement of the non-dancing type, between our friends Chet and Chaz.

Chet: “Hey, I was thinking of going to get some sushi. Would you like to join me?”
Chaz: “No thanks, man. I am not a really big fan of fish, especially raw fish.”
Chet: “Well they have cooked shit too. You know, like teriyaki chicken and stuff."
Chaz: “Yeah, but I’d rather head down to Chen’s Garden for chicken teriyaki. Theirs
is killer. Best I’ve had in town.”
Chet: “Suit yourself. I’ll tell Kelly you said ‘Hi’.”
Chaz: “You’re going with Kelly!?!?! You son of a bitch! You know I've been wanting to tap that!”
Chet: "Well maybe if you cut off your rat tail and lost the sleeveless t-shirts she might show an interest."
Chaz: "Dick."
Etc…Etc…

Now how about we turn to a conversation between Jennifer, our danceophile, and her uncommonly attractive friend, Tavis. Take particular notice Jennifer's outrage and Tavis' ensuing confusion and cool demeanor.

Jennifer: “Hey hot stuff. My friends and I are hitting The Velvet Cow tonight for somedancing, would you like to come along? All of them have been asking about you.”
Tavis: “Sick! I’d love to get some drinks with you guys. I probably won’t dance though, it isn’t really my thing.”
Jennifer: (insert jaw-drop/eyebrow-raise here) “What do you mean it isn’t your thing!?!?”
Tavis: “Well I mean I just don’t really like to dance. It isn’t really fun for me. I’d rather just sit there and enjoy my drink while I listen to the music and watch others dance.”
Jennifer: “Watch!!? What are you, some kind of pervert?!? Who doesn’t like to dance? Are you scared or something? You know what, it is probably just you not letting go of your inhibitions. Just have a few drinks and you’ll loosen up.”
Tavis: “Well I’m sure I will loosen up after a few drinks, but that probably won’t really make me change my mind and hit the floor.”
Jennifer: “I can’t believe it. You think you know someone. Well if you don’t like to dance, then what in the hell do you like to do?!!? No, no, don’t tell me, you’re probably one of those guys that collects action figures and keeps them in the packaging. You're probably one of those creeps that keeps a pair of binoculars by your bed.”
Tavis: “Well, um, no. Actually I just prefer to relax and enjoy the atmosphere. I don’t really find it exciting to flail my body around aimlessly, only to find that I am sweaty, dehydrated, and my drink is warm and watered-down. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against those who like to dance; that is, unless you consider the fact that they are incredibly pushy, uncomfortably persistent, and unjustifiably flabbergasted.”

I could go on with the back and forth, as well as give you numerous varied reactions from danceophiles to the statement “I don’t like to dance”, but I am sure you get the point. In all honesty, I have yet to meet a danceophile who is comfortable with the fact that I, or any other individual for that matter, simply do not enjoy dancing. The fact that I do not enjoy dancing myself does not mean that I do not appreciate it as both an art and an activity. I have seen beautiful dancers in person and on television. I have seen plenty of my friends dancing their asses off to ludicrous music and having the time of their lives. I have even been inebriated enough, on multiple occasions, to dance my own ass off and, yes, I did have a good time. One may argue that, when intoxicated, your inhibitions are reduced and you do things that you “normally” wouldn’t do sober. This does not mean, however, that these would be things that you would necessarily make a conscious decision to choose to do while sober and without inhibition. If that argument were to hold true, does that mean that I would ask five grown men to punch me in the stomach in order to prove my man-strength? Were my inhibitions really holding me back from doing that? Was alcohol really the catalyst I needed to fulfill my burning desire to put my ab power on display? Clearly, the answer is an emphatic ‘no’. A dislike for dancing is as normal as a dislike for anything else, except a dislike for Gary Numan, that’s just weird.

A father dancing with his daughter at her wedding is an amazing event. Raves are, I mean were…were cool. A hot couple doing the Tango in the middle of a bar dance floor; an elderly couple doing the Foxtrot in the hotel ballroom; a group of good friends bouncing around to Daft Punk’s “Around the World”; all wonderfully amazing events that have dancing at their core. Will I do these things one day? Hopefully yes, and hopefully all of them and more. But would I choose to spend an evening out with the specific purpose to spend it dancing? Probably not. Should myself and others like me be chastised for this choice? Absolutely not. It is simple. We do not enjoy something that you do. Whether that preference will change over time is up in the air, but for now, we just…don’t…like…it. So my danceophile friends, deal with it. Please do not make us feel crazy. Please do not draw unnecessary attention to the fact that we will not be dancing. Please don’t run over to us mid-dance with that “come hither” dance-arm-motion. You know the motion, our reaction is always the same: the awkward shoo-away and uncomfortable laugh. We appreciate your effort in trying to include us, but we are quite capable of joining in the fun, if we are so compelled. So, I remain resolute in my resolution: The danceophiles keep dancing, but leave the rest of us the hell out of it. Extend to us the same courtesy we extend to you, and talk about us and make fun of us behind our backs and in private. It’s just easier that way. Read more!

High Five, Hug, or Kick Yourself?

One of the many truly amazing qualities that human beings as “intelligent” creatures share is the ability to hold entire conversations with themselves that take place within the confines of their respective brains. Whether or not you view this ability as a gift or a curse is, of course, entirely up to you. The fact remains that we learn a great deal about ourselves through these interior conversations, and they simultaneously have the ability to produce incredible ideas, to increase productivity, to influence our emotions, and much more. At this point, as the reader, you might be thinking to yourself (how delightfully ironic), “What in God’s name is this blowhard talking about?” Well sir or madam, put most simply: I have not a clue. What I do know, however, is that I have quite a few of these interior conversations throughout the course of any given day. The burning question that will be the subject of this article was birthed by one of these said interior conversations, and is sure to produce a horrifically intense debate that will last for generations to come.

So how did the topic at hand arise? Well every once and a while, when I have time to myself, I like to practice what my answers to certain questions might be. Allow me to clarify. There are questions that people like to ask, whether you know them well or not, to facilitate conversation. Amongst these questions are “If you could have one superpower, what would it be?” or the always entertaining “Where is the craziest place you have done it?” There are, of course, many more questions in this genre. I like to be prepared for questions like this. There is nothing worse than to be caught off guard by the “superpowers” question and end up looking like a fool because you panicked and chose “shooting fireworks from your fingertips”. My point is that I sometimes like to rehearse my answers to these types of questions, to quell my fear of clamming up or answering moronically when the time comes.

The question of this genre that sparked the idea for this article is one that everyone has undoubtedly heard at one time or another, and if you haven’t yet you most certainly will. “If you could meet one person from past or present, fictional or not, who would it be?” Not an easy question, I know. Answers may range from George Washington to Carrot Top and everything in between. No matter how sincere or asinine your choice may be it has the potential to reveal a great deal about yourself. So what would I answer? I could say Abraham Lincoln because of the whole end of slavery thing, but some may find that incredibly dull. I could say Mr. Fantastic so I could find out once and for all if his penis actually could stretch like the rest of his body. I could say Mel Gibson so that I could ask him what it feels like to be an insane devil-man. I could even say Ben Affleck to finally get a straight explanation for Gigli. I could use all of the aforementioned people/characters in my answer, and probably come up with hundreds more. However, as I was rehearsing my potential answer to this theoretical question, a possible answer arose that was more intriguing to me than any I had ever thought of or heard before. If you could meet one person from past or present, fictional or not, why not have it be yourself? What better person to meet than yourself?

Now I know what you may be thinking, that you already know yourself pretty well and you wouldn’t want to waste the opportunity to meet Edward Furlong. I urge you to entertain the idea of meeting yourself for just a moment. You have never been on the other side of yourself looking in and observing from the outside. How amazing and simultaneously frightening would that be? And what would you do with…yourself…literally? With any of the other choices, say Mr. Lincoln, Carrot Top, or Ben Affleck, you would most likely want to spend the majority of your “meeting” talking to them (or making out with them, depending on your choice). If you chose yourself, at least in my case, I would want to have fun and hang out. I’d want to go to bars with myself and exchange high-fives after shots of Wild Turkey, share an extended embrace with myself after watching Steel Magnolias, kick myself in the nuts after losing a game of hoops, and maybe even figure out a secret handshake. Sure I’d want to spend some time talking to myself, especially to really get a feel for myself and maybe how others perceive me. Is it conceivable that I wouldn’t have a good time with myself? Perhaps. However, if you feel as though your time was ill-spent with yourself in your clone meeting, maybe that would be a sign that you need to reevaluate your persona. I feel like it would be an intense learning experience, no matter what the outcome may be.

The next time someone throws that burning question your way and says, “So, if you could meet one person from past or present, real or not, who would it be?” you can emphatically answer “Myself”. Their reaction will, no doubt, be one of surprise and possibly disgust, depending on their original intention. Gauge the situation and try to arrange yourself to be the last to answer. That way your amazingly thought provoking answer can follow all of the mindless crap that is certain to precede it. Also be extremely aware of your crowd. If you sense any hostility at all, if you are uncertain as to how one or more individuals may react to your proposed answer, you can always go with the safety choice: Tom Selleck. He’s universally likeable, sexy to both men and women, has an amazing moustache, and was Magnum P.I. Nobody would be foolish enough to argue with that. Read more!